Devastation
by mugglebornpride
Summary: Sirius Black visits Potter Manor on 31 october, 1981.


It was Halloween, 1981. It was a beautiful night, just a hint of crisp winter in the air. There were carved pumpkins on every doorstep. There were raging parties overflowing with alcohol. In another life, Sirius would have been the life of some such party. He wouldn't have been going to visit his friends for the first time in more than a month. He wouldn't be afraid of taking his godson for a ride on his bike. He wouldn't be suspecting his friends of being traitors.

It was almost midnight. Sirius parked his bike in front of the Potter's cottage in Godric's Hollow. He dismounted gracefully and grabbed his bag. The bag was filled with various Honeydukes sweets for Harry, a Pink Floyd record for Lily and a snitch for James.

Sirius used to visit quite often. A couple of years ago, Sirius had practically lived with them. He was either in Godric's Hollow or he was on a mission from the Order. But since Dumbledore suspected that the Potters were being targeted by Voldemort and the three of them had gone into hiding, Sirius's visits had become less and less frequent. Dumbledore was sure that Sirius and several other Order members were being watched. It had become dangerous to be seen coming and going form the one place. The Potters would be found. The last time Sirius had visited was a week before Harry's birthday. He had owled him his gift later. Lily had written to him, thanking him for the gift and telling him that James was down and he would appreciate a visit from Sirius.

This had been the earliest Sirius could make it. Tonight had been long overdue. He would have been here a few hours ago but he had been so exhausted after returning from his patrolling duties that Sirius had fallen asleep.

As Sirius walked forward and pushed open the gate, he felt a shudder go through him. The gate wasn't locked. It was always locked. Lily was meticulous about it, in case Harry got out. He couldn't but she was paranoid. This wasn't like her. Sirius walked on, irrational dread weighing him down and becoming heavier every step of the way. All these horrible scenarios started playing in Sirius's brain. He reached the door and found that it stood partially ajar, there was no light coming from any of the windows. As Sirius stuck his head through the door cautiously he saw someone lying down on the floor in the middle of the hall. He recognized the glasses, the hair. The bag dropped from Sirius's numb hand.

"Lumos." he whispered and his wand flared up, lighting up the house he knew so well. Sirius walked in slowly, unwilling to believe his senses. The horrible scene revealed itself like a rising curtain during a play. The coffee table was upturned, the smashed glass was scattered everywhere. On the edge of the carpet lay James, spread-eagled on the floor. Sirius stepped towards him. James's eyes were open and unseeing. His face was twisted in defiance. People always said the dead looked peaceful but James didn't look peaceful. He looked like all the fight inside him was trapped, unable to get out and leave him in peace. Sirius went down on his knees hard, his feet no longer able to support him.

"Prongs." he whispered. There was no sound, nothing moved. "James." Sirius was screaming now, yelling in desperation. This could not have happened. They had all been so careful, done everything right. James was supposed to be alive. "James!" Sirius saw his own tears splash down to the carpet, darkening the Gryffindor red, making it took like blood. He pulled James's head onto his lap, holding onto him and trying to muffle his own screams. It was like the rest of the world had ceased to exist. There was no movement, no sound. Time had lost its meaning. There was only Sirius and what remained of James. He leaned his head against James's forehead wanting nothing more than to hear a rasping breath, a stuttering heartbeat. James had recovered countless times from head injuries during Quidditch games, he had recovered from that whack on the head by the Whomping Willow, he had recovered that time he fell off the bike as they flew. Every time, they had laughed. James Potter was invincible. But here he lay before Sirius, finally done for. Sirius looked into James Potter's hazel eyes one last time before closing it.

He heard a noise in the kitchen and his necked snapped up. He leaped to his feet, wand in hand. Trying not to make any noise, Sirius crept towards the noise. He didn't think about who he would find, he didn't think about what he would do if he found someone. Sirius's head was still reeling and grappling with what he had just found. He rounded the corner and swept his wand across the kitchen. It was Lily's blasted cat. At the realization, a fear like none other gripped Sirius so tight, he couldn't breathe. Where were Lily and Harry?

He turned from the kitchen and bounded up, taking three steps at a time. He turned to the right and pushed open the first door, Harry's nursery. Sirius was shaking before he even went in. When he saw Lily on the ground, he broke. Her red hair was spread around her head like a halo and her green eyes were open and empty, devoid of their usual warmth and humor. Sirius sunk down against the wall clutching his stomach and heaving because this couldn't be happening. He wasn't seeing this. Lily and James were not gone. They were not gone. Sirius let out a wracking sob and took Lily's outstretched hand in his own. It was cold. Lily's hands were never cold. Even in winter when they had all just finished lobbing snowballs at each other and all their hands were almost blue, Lily's would be warm. A noise startled Sirius and he looked up. It was the noise of Harry gurgling. Sirius couldn't believe it. He stood up and bent over the crib and saw Harry, stretching as if he had just woken. His face was tearstained. It seemed like he had tired himself out. Harry blinked up at him and smiled slightly in recognition. Harry with his father's hair and mother's eyes.

'Harry is alive.' Sirius thought as he picked him up. He saw a scar on his forehead that had not been there before. 'Harry is an orphan.' Sirius thought as he sank back to the floor with Harry in his arms, hugging him to his chest. Harry started crying, wailing. Sirius didn't know what to do. James and Lily were not here to tell him to hold him up or put him to sleep. They weren't here. They wouldn't ever be here. So Sirius clutched Harry to his chest, rocking him back and forth, and cried with him. He cried for the baby in his arms who would never know his parents. He cried for James who would never go on to play professional Quidditch and he cried for Lily who had never gotten to listen to the new Pink Floyd record. He cried for himself because his family was gone. "I'm here, Harry." he whispered as he rocked him. "I'm here." he said, mostly to comfort himself.

That's how Hagrid found him. Sirius didn't know how long he had been sitting there, rocking back and forth. Hagrid had stomped up, still sniffling and when he had seen them, had started howling in earnest.

"Dumbledore tol' me. He tol' me." he said sniffling.

"What did Dumbledore tell you?" Sirius asked from his spot on the floor.

"You-know-who's gone." Hagrid said, almost in a whisper. "He tried ter kill Harry but somefin happened. He's gone."

"He's dead?" Sirius asked in disbelief.

Hagrid shook his head. "Jus gone."

"If I'd gotten here just a few hours early…" Sirius said, realizing that when Voldemort was here, Sirius had been sleeping in his bed. All safe and tucked in like a baby when his friends were fighting for their lives, for their son's life. What had Sirius done.

"Ah, Sirius, yeh can' blame yourself. He woulda killed you too." Hagrid said, patting Sirius on the back, gently. For Hagrid.

Sirius nodded and got up from his place. Voldemort had killed his family. He had killed them. He couldn't be gone before Sirius hunted him down and made him pay. He was just about to hand Harry to Hagrid and leave to track Voldemort down when Harry gurgled in Sirius's arms. "Mama." he said simply. It broke Sirius's heart. He looked down and rocked him some more.

"Pafoo." Harry said, calling Sirius by the name James had given him. It broke his heart all over again.

"Dumbledore tol' me ter bring Harry ter him, Sirius." Hagrid said from beside him. He was hunched inside the tiny room and his face was tearstained.

"Bring him?" Sirius was shocked. Harry was all he had. He was all Harry had. He loved Harry but he didn't know the first thing about taking care of such a little boy. Sirius was sure he'd turn into a weeping mess every time Harry said, "Mama' in his innocent, unassuming voice. "Of- of course." he said, recovering. "Dumbledore'll know best. Where are you taking him Hagrid?"

"Dumbledore said ter bring him ter Surrey." Hagrid said, holding his hand out for Harry. Sirius didn't think he could do it. He didn't think he could let go of baby Harry. But somehow, he managed. He passed Harry from his arms to Hagrid's. Harry clung to Sirius, his shirt, his hair, refusing to let go. He was wailing because he didn't want to leave Sirius. Sirius wondered how many times his heart could break without shattering completely. Already he knew, he would never smile again.

"You have to go Prongslet." Sirius said fondly. "You have to go but I'll see you soon." he said in his most soothing voice. "I'll see you Harry." he said, weeping again because here was Harry holding onto his shirt not letting him go. Here was Harry who loved him so much he didn't want to lose sight of him. "I love you Harry." he said and gently pried Harry's fingers loose from his shirt. Sirius ruffled Harry's hair a little and tickled his chin and Harry calmed right down. Maybe he did know how to take care of Harry after all. "Take my bike Hagrid. It flies. You'll get there faster." That bike had meant a lot to Sirius. It had meant freedom and it had meant recklessness and carefree laughter. It had meant Lily giving him a red-and-gold helmet for Christmas in seventh year because she didn't want him to crack his skull like the fool he was. "I don't think I need it anymore." He told Hagrid.

Hagrid nodded with Harry lying snugly against his giant hand and warm coat. Harry looked comfortable there and when Sirius waved, he waved back, tears still fresh in his eyes.

Sirius watched as his godson rode away with Hagrid on his bike. They became smaller and smaller in the sky until, gradually, they disappeared and were swallowed up by the darkness of the night. That's when Sirius realized that it was Wormtail. Peter Pettigrew had been the cause of all this. He was the traitor.

Sirius wondered how his world had collapsed so completely around him but here he was.

He left the house with grief in his soul and murder in his heart.


End file.
